During this temporary lull inbetween all the weddings and anniversaries I seem to have become somewhat downhearted.
People I know and that I have met up with recently, tell me I look really well and have made fantastic progress.
Whilst I acknowledge that this is accurate, this is only my outward physical state.
My physio has recognised that I have two persona - the Outward and the Inward: my sub-conscious can control my inward fears and can take over my mental and physical state.
An example of this is that whilst on holiday last year I became unwell with a bug and as I am due to go on holiday soon I am becoming increasingly emotional that I could become unwell again. Although this is extremely unlikely I nevertheless am worried that this could re-occur.
In two months time it will be the second anniversary of the stroke and I had always thought that I would be fully fit by now. I will never give up hope of achieving this and will continue to work to this goal.
My G.P. has taught me to recognise these anniversaries and has suggested that I name and talk about them to prevent any possibilities of the onset depression.
There is so much in your post that strikes a chord, although our experiences are very different. Losing control over our lives (even a little) brings home to us how fragile the world is, and makes us want our old lives back.
ReplyDeleteMy recovery from my own problems has been a long, slow process. After six or eight years in the wilderness (telling that I don't recall now, and don't care to work it out!), and a joyful decade when I have nonetheless been very aware that I will never be the person that I was again, I am renewed more than recovered.
Anniversaries can be very toxic - I dread Easter Sunday every year, and have to work hard to own that anniversary lest it own me. I think your GP's advice is good - it's almost a form of practical magic: giving it a name so that you can exorcise it.
I'm interested in exploring the theme of managing anniversaries some more, if you are up for that.
P x